We all like to assume we know what’s best when it comes to living the worst or best moment in our relationships. But sometimes it’s more than necessary to ask for help – such as a relationship coach or couples’ therapist – who can share some ways to solve relationships problems, yield some pearl drops of wisdom and impart the knowledge you and your partner possibly never figured out on your own.
While it may prove nerve-racking, sometimes a bit pricey and time-consuming, many couples find it beneficial to seek professional help. In this case, couples therapy is a smart choice for those who feel like they’re stuck in a drama and can’t figure out a realistic solution.
However, not everyone sees couples therapy with the same grain of clarity – going to therapy doesn’t mean that your relationship is deteriorating, or something is inherently wrong. The thing is, we all get stuck sometimes and just having a neutral individual involved can work wonders.
After you’ve been together for a while, you can easily forget what initially brought you two together, and even easier to take each for granted.
For this reason, couple counselors often suggest couples to make an effort to maintain the freshness with a few simple tricks. It’s easy to get stuck in the day-to-day routine. Your lover will not always seem novel and steal your heart in an instant, which is why reminding yourself why you love them – and telling them – will keep things fresh front and center.
In couples therapy, you will learn that spicing up your date nights, being more affectionate, and having more sex will nourish that spark.
We know how tempting it may be to condemn each other for the issues in your relationship, but counselors with years of experience in couples therapy want you to know that it’s rarely ever one person’s fault. There is always something in the “middle.” The problem lies somewhere between interaction and the dynamic that you two have honed and formed over time.
Take a closer look at the “life cycle” or your arguing pattern – there is always a trigger, the same thing every time, but there is a feeling this is elicited in one of you. What’s next? A torrent of actions that, if investigated carefully, can expose what trap you two fall into.
Both of you have the ability to interrupt this dance at any given time, but the struggle is pushing yourself to do something new, so you don’t stay caught in the power of the pattern.
If you and your boyfriend are total opposites, you might start wondering why and how you’re still together. You will also be prone to think your differences are the gist of your issues. But experienced couple therapists are often quick to mention that opposites attract for a reason.
Couples often seem puzzled about how they could have possibly ended up with a partner or spouse who is so opposite from them. The thing is that their preference is owned to evolution, whose main purpose is to keep people alive and procreating. To put it differently, a child is more likely to survive and thrive if its parents have opposite strengths.
So the fact that you and your spouse are opposite can actually be beneficial – especially if you learn to embrace it. Couples often seek, find, and then disagree with an opposing trait in their partner. But in a healthier relationship, we value these traits because we have something to learn from them.
We’re all acquainted with the old “never go bed angry” - we make up right away, so we don’t stew on our fury the whole night through. Yet not every counselor will agree with this advice.
You will be surprised to hear that “it’s perfectly fine to go to bed angry” from a couple therapist.
What you will learn in a therapy session - which is quite obvious if you think about it – is that you can’t find a solution while you’re angry.”
Sometimes, couples need to part ways for a few hours. Only once you’ve calmed down can you really address the conflict in the relationship productively and positively. When you’re both mad, and it’s bedtime, you can either fight, argue, and yell until the first hours of the morning, or you can simply accept the conflict is what it is right now, go to bed and wake in a much better state to handle the conflict.
Most couples therapists point out that when people assume they know what their spouses are thinking, they’re usually 100% wrong.
The reason is oftentimes the same – a lot of couples view a situation strictly from only their perception of the situation. This gets worse when, without complete communication with each other, assumptions can start to flow in about what the other person is feeling, thinking, or doing. Most couples act on their own perception without fully solving the whole equation.
Instead of jumping into a conclusion wagon, it’s much better, even healthier, to ask questions. Ask questions based on what you know and confirm a complete understanding of it. Almost 100% of the time, you were wrong, and that’s not such a dreadful thing – because more than likely, you assumed the worst about your partner. It’s healthier and less stressful to cultivate a deeper connection with your spouse since you both understand each other’s point of view.
You will also need to understand that your partner and your relationship are dynamic and always changing – the second you find yourself in the “it used to be like this situation,” you’re trying to work the wrong way in time. A healthy relationship consists of doing small things regularly and checking in with each other. Small or huge gestures are great but what really shapes emotional kinship is listening to each other and becoming closely aware of each other aspirations and dreams.